Sonny and Me

Author's Note Preface 1 - Getting Started Thank You What You Can Expect from This Book Defining Ally Broadly Bringing My Friends Along for the Ride Practice Makes Pretty Darn Good The Power of the Ally Allies Can Help Validate a Cause Allies Can Be a Cultural Bridge Allies Can Take the Heat Off of LGBTQ+ People Allies Can Be Possibility Models Allies Can Get Special Access What's Your Story? Notes Part I: Becoming Knowledgeable Allies 2 - Caution: Identities Being Defined! Cisgender LGBTQ+ Queer Why Do There Have to Be So Many Identity Words? Note 3 - Coming Out as LGBTQ+ Why the Big Reveal? The Coming-Out Process Identity Confusion Identity Comparison Identity Tolerance Identity Acceptance Identity Pride Identity Synthesis In Summary From Theory to Reality Coming Out Is a Lifelong Process The Process Is Not Always Linear It's So Much Fun, Some Folks Do It Twice! It's Not Just for LGBTQ+ People Coming Out Is Not Always the Immediate Goal Responding When Someone Comes Out to You A Better Metaphor for Coming Out What to Say What Not to Say Future Fantasies Notes 4 - Orientations, Identities, Behaviors-Oh My! A Basic Diagram of the Components of Sex, Gender, and Sexuality Biological Sex Gender Identity Gender Expression Attraction (Also Known as Orientation) Intimate Behaviors Where Do I Fall? Biological Sex Gender Identity Gender Expression Attraction Intimate Behaviors An Advanced Diagram of the Components of Sex, Gender, and Sexuality Answers To Our Questions What the Heck Does Nonbinary Mean? Can Transgender People Also Be Gay? How Can I Tell If Someone Is Gay? How Can Someone Be Asexual but Still Have Sex? Key Ally Takeaways Notes Part II: Building Skills for Having Respectful Conversations 5 - Pronouns: Sharing, Gathering, and Using Why Are Pronouns So Important? Sharing Gathering One on One In a Small Group In Large Numbers Using Singular They Neopronouns More Than One Pronoun Messing Up Properly Notes 6 - LGBTQ+ Etiquette Tips, Common Bloopers, and Outdated Terms LGBTQ+ Etiquette Tips Tip #1: Ungender Your Language Tip #2: Mirror Terms Combining Tip #1 and Tip #2 Tip #3: Implement the "Switch It" Technique Tip #4: Use the Correct Name and Pronoun Tip #5: Focus on What You Need to Know Common LGBTQ+ Language Bloopers to Avoid Getting Creative with the Word Transgender Confusing the Terms Transgender Man and Transgender Woman Talking About Preferred Pronouns Using the Word Preference Instead of Orientation Using Language That Implies That Transitioning is Completed Focusing on the Past Asking a Gay Couple Which One is the Man and Which One is the Woman Outdated Terms and Better Language Choices Use Transgender Instead of Transsexual Use Cross-Dresser Instead of Transvestite Use Gay Instead of Homosexual Use Typical Instead of Normal Use Intersex Instead of Hermaphrodite Use Different Sex or Gender Instead of Opposite Sex or Gender Use Are Instead of Identify As Avoid These Terms Altogether Notes 7 - Gaydar and Other Problematic Assumptions Gaydar LGBTQ+ Myths and Stereotypes Myths and Stereotypes About Straight/Cisgender Allies Intersectionality Notes 8 - Good Talk: The Art of Having Useful Conversations We Are All Resistant Learners Tips for Having Respectful and Useful Conversations Put Yourself in the Hot Seat (Prep Work) Set Your Listen/Share Dial to At Least 50/50 (Prep Work) Assume Goodwill Avoid Labeling the Comment or Behavior Use "I" Statements Find Common Ground Educate with Examples, Not Definitions Try the "Switch It" Technique Listen for Those Myths and Stereotypes Be Aware of Your Hot Buttons A Night Out with Lou the Lunchroom Aide An Ally's Gift Notes Part III: Taking Action to Create More Inclusive Spaces 9 - Straight Pride Parades and Special Snowflakes: Addressing Common Questions I Just Treat Everyone the Same; What's Wrong with That? Why Do LGBTQ+ People Have to Flaunt Their Sexuality and Get in My Face with It? The Falsely Accused Flaunter The Temporary Flaunter The Fulltime Flaunter I Know My Friend Is Gay-How Can I Get Him to Come Out to Me? Aren't We in a Good Place Now with LGBTQ+ Rights and Inclusion? What's Left to Do? Why Isn't There a Straight Pride Parade? Reality Check #1 Reality Check #2 Reality Check #3 Reality Check #4 Apparently, I'm Cisgender. How Can I Be Something That I've Never Heard Of? Do I Have to Go Around Telling People I'm Cisgender Now? 1) How Can I Be Something That I Don't Even Know About and Why Does Someone Else Get to Define Me? (Confused/Irritated) 2) Is This New Word Really "A Thing" Or Will It Be Gone Next Month? (Skeptical) 3) Do I Have to Embrace This New Term? My List of Identity Terms Seems to Be Constantly Growing. Which Ones Do I Have to Share in Order to Be Respectful? (Overwhelmed) Why Are LGBTQ+ People So Angry? My Lesbian Friends Call Each Other Dykes. Why Is It Okay for Them to Do That But Not Me? I Thought People Were "Born That Way"; Now You're Telling Me That Being LGBTQ+ Can Be a Lifelong Journey of Changing Identities? WTF? I Feel Like I Can't Say Anything Anymore Without Offending Someone. Don't You Think We've Gone Too Far with All of This PC Language? Notes 10 - Duct Tape Patch-up Jobs and Big Fixes Educating Others Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs with Our Educational Opportunities Big Fixes with Our Educational Opportunities Increasing LGBTQ+ Visibility Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Increasing LGBTQ+ Visibility Big Fixes for Increasing LGBTQ+ Visibility Revising Forms Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Revising Forms and Paperwork Big Fixes for Revising Forms and Paperwork Updating Policies Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Updating Policies Big Fixes for Updating Policies Fixing Gendered Facilities Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Fixing Gendered Restrooms and Other Facilities Big Fixes for Fixing Gendered Restrooms and Other Facilities A Special Note about Signage Notes 11 - Creating LGBTQ+ Inclusive Spaces in Different Settings In Your Home In Health and Mental Health Settings Caring for LGBTQ+ People of Color Caring for Transgender Individuals Caring for Older LGBTQ+ Adults In the Workplace In Faith Communities In Schools Notes 12 - Taking It to the Streets Rallies, Marches, Protests, and Lobbying Talking with Politicians Fundraising Pride Notes 13 - Now What? Questions from Allies in the Real World Questions About Terms and Identities Questions from Family Members Questions from the Workplace Questions from Teachers and School Staff Notes Part IV: Allying Responsibly 14 - Messing Up Properly Accidentally Misgendering Someone Offer an Apology or a Thank You Forgive Yourself Get it Right the Next Time Try Again Right Away Practice in Your Head Write It Down Add Pronouns to Your Phone Contacts Practice on Your Pet Imagine a Mouse Making an Offensive or Hurtful Comment Offer a Thank You and an Apology Forgive Yourself Get It Right the Next Time Do Your Homework Use-it-or-Lose-it Share What You've Learned with Someone Else Remind Yourself that Catching Yourself Is the First Step to Success Blundering Again Notes 15 - Backlash Against Allies Ally Is a Practice, Not an Identity Shut Up and Listen "A" Is for Asexual Key Ally Takeaways Pay It Forward Notes 16 - Sustainability Take Care of Yourself Be on Your Own Team Treat Yourself the Way You Would Treat Your Best Friend Give Yourself Permission to Fail Use Positive Self-Coaching Tips Keep a Joy Journal Know Your Recipe for Wellness and Follow It Think About What's Not Wrong Pace Yourself Continue Your Education Every So Often, Return to "Why?" Notes Discussion Guide Glossary Bibliography Acknowledgments Index About the Author

* Introduction * Who is writing this book? * What is this book about and why do I care? * A disclaimer... * Sexual and Romantic Orientations * Sexual Vs. Romantic Orientations: How are they different? * A Bit on Spectrums * Explaining Some Identities * Towards the ends of the spectrum * In the Middle of the Spectrum * Not fixed on the Spectrum * Other Gender Identities * Sex Vs. Gender: How are they different? * Explaining Some Identities * Conclusion